Dear dear diary, I want to tell my secrets

SO angry. It's probably not even worth it but i'm saving it all up and one day i'm going to do something horrific or beautiful or both. Terrible. Everything sucks. All the time.
Well, not all the time, just most of the time. The good times aren't even that great. They're just OK.

In half term (late october) i broke up with the boyfriend (of one year) because i felt that i didn't love him anymore. Then, a couple of weeks ago, i thought that maybe i'd made a mistake, but dismissed it as idiocy. Then on Sunday, i decided that i'd made a mistake, and spoke to a friend about it. He told me to tell alex. I didn't. On Monday, while looking at facebook, i was notified that Alex was listed as in a relationship. And it made me incomprihesably sad. So i went upstairs and i cried. Then i phoned the afore mentioned friend, just to be sure. When it was verified that this indeed was the case, i cried a bit more. Then i phoned my cousin and we talked about relationships. And it made me feel a bit better.
But now i feel a bit worse.
I am in the right mood to hurt people's feelings.
 

i've got this vacant kind of absent vibe going on and i'm watching Trainspotting for the millionth time and i feel weird and i'm kind of happy and i'm kind of sad and it's confusing my head and i want to sleep and i need to tidy my bedroom but it's miles away and i'm so sleepy but i'm not sleepy.
I'm not hungry either. A little bit dizzy. Like- like I'm Like i want to sway.

Football shopping.

there isn't really such a thing as freedom is there?

Blah. A million exams soon.
Help!

A slumber did my spirit seal;

I had no human fears:

She seem'd a thing that could not feel

The touch of earthly years.

 

No motion has she now, no force;

She neither hears nor sees;

Roll'd round in earth's diurnal course,

With rocks, and stones, and trees.

A mighty pain to love it is,
And 'tis a pain that pain to miss;
But of all pains, the greatest pain
It is to love, but love in vain

The king's crossing was the main attraction
Dominoes falling in a chain reaction
A scraping subject ruled by fear
Told me whiskey works better than beer
The judge is on vinyl, decisions are final
And nobody gets a reprieve
And every wave is tidal - if you hang around
You're going to get wet
I can't prepare for death any more than I already have
All you can do now is watch the shells
The game looks easy, that's why it sells
Frustrated fireworks inside your head
Are going to stand and deliver talk instead
The method acting that pays my bills
Keeps a fat man feeding in Beverly Hills
I got a heavy metal mouth that hurls obscenity
And I get my check from the trash treasury
Because I took my own insides out
It don't matter 'cos I have no sex life
And all I want to do now is inject my ex-wife
I've seen the movie and I know what happens
It's Christmas time, and the needles on the tree
A skinny Santa is bringing something to me
His voice is overwhelming, but his speech is slurred
And I only understand every other word
Open your parachute and grab your gun
Falling down like an omen, a setting sun
Read the part and return at five
It's a hell of a role if you can keep it alive
But I don't care if I fuck up
I'm going on a date with a rich white lady
Ain't life great?
Give me one good reason not to do it
(Because I love you)
So do it
This is the place where time reverses
Dead men talk to all the pretty nurses
Instruments shine on a silver tray
Don't let me get carried away
Don't let me get carried away
Don't let me be carried away

20 deep questions that could really tell you something.
[ Not simple questions like "How Old Are You?" ]

1. Is it difficult for you to look into some one's eyes when you are telling them how you feel?
It's hard to maintain eye contact, for me.


2. You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You get enough time to make ONE phone call. Who would you call?
Someone horrible. I'd tell them to fuckoff.
"hello"
"Hi, it's hannah, i'm on a burning aeroplane"
"oh, shit"
"yeah. Fuckoff."


3. Who do you have most in common with?



4. You are at the doctor's office and she has just informed you that you have
approximatly one month to live.

(A) What do you do with your remaining days?
I'd be really bad. I'd totally leave my mark in graffiti.

(B) Would you be afraid?
Oh yes.


5. You can have one of the following two things: trust/love.
They're not much, without the other.
I'll take both.

6. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?
I wouldn't be near a canal.
I'd have though you'd have learnt that by now.


7. If you could go anywhere in the world where would you go?
Disney Land. Japan.


8. Think of the last person who you really knew that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give one year of your life. would you ?
Eh. No use thinking about something impossible, sweetcheeks.


9. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?
No. I'd hate me if i were someone else.


11. Your best friend dies, what would you do?
Shit. I don't know. I'd cry. Lots.


12. When was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt?
HONESTLY!?
Eh. I don't know. I usually tell the truth but not the whole truth.


13. What would be harder for you, to tell someone you love them or that you don't love them back?
The latter. Tactfully.


14. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up on?
Music.


15. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them?
Today. Earlier.

16. If you had to go back in time and change one thing, if you HAD to, even if you have "no regrets", what would you change?
I'd do something terrible. I'm not telling you, but i regret not being a horrible person, for a while the other day.


17. Imagine. It is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking outside your window. who do you call?
There's someone on the roof?
I'd call the police.

18. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying?
If i knew how to, propperly.
Also, yes. Homeless people are still PEOPLE.


19. Are you old-fashioned?
In some respects, i guess i am.


20. Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a heart break or have never loved before?
Never loved. A broken heart is hard to mend, is it not?

It's four in the morning, the end of December
I'm writing you now just to see if you're better
New York is cold, but I like where I'm living
There's music on Clinton Street all through the evening.

I hear that you're building your little house deep in the desert
You're living for nothing now, I hope you're keeping some kind of record.

Yes, and Jane came by with a lock of your hair
She said that you gave it to her
That night that you planned to go clear
Did you ever go clear?

Ah, the last time we saw you you looked so much older
Your famous blue raincoat was torn at the shoulder
You'd been to the station to meet every train
And you came home without Lili Marlene

And you treated my woman to a flake of your life
And when she came back she was nobody's wife.

Well I see you there with the rose in your teeth
One more thin gypsy thief
Well I see Jane's awake --
She sends her regards.

And what can I tell you my brother, my killer
What can I possibly say?
I guess that I miss you, I guess I forgive you
I'm glad you stood in my way.

If you ever come by here, for Jane or for me
Your enemy is sleeping, and his woman is free.

Yes, and thanks, for the trouble you took from her eyes
I thought it was there for good so I never tried.

And Jane came by with a lock of your hair
She said that you gave it to her
That night that you planned to go clear

Sincerely, L. Cohen





(oh please won't someone stand in my way?
Stop me from doing what i think i might do.
Even though i know it's wrong and it's terrible
I need someone here all the time. Just in case)

 Let others know a little more about yourself, re-post this as your name followed by "ology."

Q. What is your salad dressing of choice?
Arabic dressing

Q. What is your favorite fast food restaurant?
Mc.D's
I like Leons in London

Q. What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?
Nerh

Q. What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?
V8 (yes is a drink, but shutup)

Q. What are your pizza toppings of choice?
Normal

Q. What do you like to put on your toast?
i don't really like toast

TECHNOLOGY
Q. What is your wallpaper on your computer?
Big crazy scary skull thing

Q. How many televisions are in your house?
2

BIOLOGY
Q. Are you right-handed or left-handed?
right

Q. Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
umilical chord when i was naught but a baby. 

Q. What is the last heavy item you lifted?
i don't lift heavy things.

Q. Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
I don't think so.

Q. If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
i'm not sure. If i was given the choice, i'd probably say no.

Q. If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
No.

Q. What color do you think looks best on you?
Black

Q. Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake?
I used to swallow beads. Just for kicks.

Q. Would you kiss a member of the same sex for £100?
No

Q. Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for £200,000?
Yes

Q. Would you never blog again for £50,000?
sure.

Q. Would you pose naked in a magazine for £250,000?
No

Q. Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for £1000?
Probably not.

Q. Would you, without fear of punishment, take a human life for £1,000,000?
..pretty tempting.

Q: What is in your left pocket?
on my shirt, nothing.

Q: Is Napoleon Dynamite actually a good movie?
can't be that bad

Q: Do you have hardwood or carpet in your house?
Both

Q: Do you sit or stand in the shower?
Stand...

Q: Could you live with roommates?
Not for long

Q: How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
2

Q: What do you want to be when you grow up?
RED OR DEAD

Q: Last Friend you talked to?
Annie

Q: Person you hugged?
I hug lots of people. How should i remember?

Q: Number?
13

Q: Season?
Spring!

Q: Color?
Greem

Q: Food?
eugh. i don't want to think about food right now.

CURRENTOLOGY
Q: Missing someone?
I HAVEN'T SEEN ALEX FOR OVER A WEEK.

Q: Mood?
Alright. not bad.

Q: Listening to?
The News.

Q: Watching?
Computer

Q. Worrying about?
the french that i just haven't gotten round to.

Q:Wearing?
1/2 uniform, 1/2 trackie-bums

RANDOMOLOGY
Q: First place you went this morning?
School

Q: What can you not wait to do?
Tomorrow sleepover for shit's sake.

Q: Do you smile often?
i do

Q: Are you a friendly person?
no. I am not.

This story's missing a wishing-well,
No mirror to show and tell,
No kiss that can break the spell,
I'm falling asleep.

Every prince is a fantasy,
The witch is inside of me,
Her poison will wash away from memory.

We kill the lights,
And put on a show,
It's all a lie,
But you'd never know.

This star will shine,
And then it will fall,
And you will forget it all.

And after midnight we're all the same,
No glass shoe to bring us fame,
Nobody to take the blame.
We're falling apart.

Every story's awakening,
A flower for every name,
Their colours are paling in the falling rain.


Now you know it's so much better to pretend,
There's something waiting for you here,
Every letter that you wrote,
Has found its way to me, my dear.

You can make believe that what you say is what i want to hear,
I'll keep dancing through this beautiful, dilusional career.

Faking every tear,
Looking like a,
Compromised suicide,
Keeping all my dreams alive.

1. What was the first thing you thought about when you woke up?
aaaaaholyfuck who is texting me at 6.45?

2. What did you do last night?
Played zeeeeeeeeelda

3. What is the most important part of your life?
nnerrh

4. What would you rather be doing right now?
sleeping

5. What did you last cry over?
i think i was pissed at the rich, spoilt, self righteous bastards who go to my school

6. What always makes you feel better when you’re upset?
chocolate

8. What’s the most important thing you look for in a significant other?
i don't really know. They've got to be nice and i've got to fancy them i guess.

9. What are you worried about?
detentioonn

10. What are you looking forward to most in this week?
sleeping!

NINE HAVE YOU’S

1. Have you ever liked someone while you had a girlfriend/boyfriend?
i don't think so.

2. Have you ever had your heart broken?
i thought i had been, but it worked out for the best

4. Have you ever been out of the country?
Yes

5. Have you ever done something outrageously dumb?
haha. Yes.

6. Have you ever been back stabbed by a friend?
i don't think so.

7. Have you ever had the cops called on you?
:|

8. Have you ever dated someone younger than you?
yes. Ssshh don't tell anyone but that's what i'm doing at the moment.

9. Have you ever read an entire book in one day?
yeah. it really pissed my dad off. I mean, i'd finished it before we even got on the plane.

EIGHT WHO’S:

1. Who was the last person you saw?
Mary. She's out seeing Beverly Knight right now

2. Who was the last person you kissed?
Alex

3. Who was the last person you texted?
see above

4. Who was the last person to call you?
mi madre

6. Who is the last person who texted you?
Alex

7.Who is the last person you freaked out on?
everyone all the time.

8. Who did you last hug?
no idea.

SEVEN WHEN’S:

1.When was your last shower?
last night

2. When did you last see your mom?
a little while ago.

3. When was your last time u saw your dad?
ages ago.

4. When did you last dress up?
hallowweeeeenn day at school.

5. When was the last time you cried?
i don't recall.

6. When did you last go to the movies and with who?
a few saturdays ago with alex.

7. When did you last listen to music?
right NOW


SIX WHERE’S:
1. Where does your best friend live?
everywhere

2. Where did you last go?
school

3. Where did you last hang out?
schhoool

4. Where do you go to school?
WGS

5. Where is your favorite place to be?
Bed

6. Where did you sleep last night?
i'm not sure

FIVE DO’S/DOES:

1. Do you like someone right now?
I do.

2. Do they like you too?
yep

3. Do you ever wish you were someone else?
i used to, but i'm over that

4. Do you know the muffin man?
niet

5. Does the future scare you?
yup

FOUR WHY’S:

1. Why are you best friends with your best friend?
nope

2. Why did you get a myspace?
nah

3. Why did your parents give you the name you have?
they're dufuses

4. Why are you doing this survey?

I'm bored

THREE IF’S:

1. If you could have one superpower, what would it be?
HIRO

2. If you could go back in time and change one thing, would you?
niet

3. If you were stranded on a deserted island and could bring one thing what would it be?
ipod

TWO WOULD-YOU-EVER’S:

1. Would you ever get back together with any of your ex’s if they asked you?
nope

2. Would you ever shave your head to save someone you love?
yes

ONE LAST QUESTION:
1. Are you happy with your life right now?
yeah

Woke up at maeve's house. (i slept there too)
Poked around maeve's house. (oh yes i did)
Had breakfast. (scrambled egg on toast. Yummy)
Went to town. (needed to buy present for friend)
Walked home in the rain. (pathetic rain)
Got home and hugged my mum. (i love my mum)
Put my rose in some water (i got a rose yesterday from an indian man in an indian restaurant)
Went on the computer probably because i'm boring. (i'm boring)
Lots of texting happened to alex. (he was in birmingham today, choiring. haha)
Watched Have I Got More News For You. (ann widdecombe is a prat)
Watched that Iranian guy on his stand-up show. (he's a funny guy)
Went here to update. (which is what i'm doing)
And then i'll go to bed. (yawn)

Night  Night

Angela, my oldest sister was expressing plans to go to Iran for Christmas. And now she's serious about it.
And i'm worried (i think it's justified.) I don't want her and Dean to be kidnapped by Iranian militia-men.
Because they are both white. Obviously so. Angela can get away with being a bit Eastern,
but Dean is just about as British-looking as it gets. So i'm in a bit of a lame mood about that.
Listening to ELO, which makes me a little less moody, because Mr Blue Sky is an adorable song and i love it.
Drama soon(ish). Alex is coming back to mine for playstation rivalry and various other forms of amazing fun.
I've decided that i'm going to pick a game that i understand and can play relatively well (i.e. Burnout)
and i'm not going to explain the rules. Until i've won at least twice.

yay.

I was watching xxxholic and Monster Princess on youtube last night. They're nice anime.

Hey you with the pretty face. Welcome to the human race.

 when i die and you're in charge of my funeral and all expenses, i want this tomb:

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/d/de/Ferdinand_foch_grabmal.jpg/450px-Ferdinand_foch_grabmal.jpg


Mmmmmkay?

In other news


GET THE HELL OFF THE INTERNET AND DO SOME BLOODY COURSEWORK.

My life is ___% worth living. Hah.


[x] You have a boyfriend/girlfriend
[x] You love music.
[x] You have your own room.
[x] You own a mobile phone
[x] You have an ipod/ mp3 player.
[ ] Your parents are still married.
[x] You have more than 1 best friend.
[ ] There is a swimming pool/hot tub in your backyard
T 0 T A L: 6

[x] You dress how you want to.
[x] You hang out with friends more than once a week.not at school/college/work
[ ] There is a computer / laptop in your room right now.
[x] You have never been beaten up.
[x] You are allowed to listen to the music you want to.
[x] Your room isn't too small for you.
T 0 T A L S 0 F A R: 11

[ ] You have 400+ friends on myspace
[x] You have pictures on myspace
[x] You have a myspace
[ ] You get allowance/wage/salary.
[ ] You collect something normal
[ ] You sometimes look foward to going to school/work.
[ ] You don't wish you were someone else.
[x] You'll do something after school/college
T 0 T A L S 0 F A R: 14

[ ] You own a car.
[x] You usually don't fight with your mom.
[ ] You are happy with your appearance.
[x] You do not have any failing grades.
[x] You have friends.
T 0 T A L S 0 F A R: 17

[x] You know what is going on in the world.
[x] You care about many people.
[x] You know more than one language
[x] You have a screen name..
[ ] You own a pet.
[x] You know the words to more than 5 songs.
[x] You don't have any serious enemies.
[ ] You're generally a nice person
T O T A L S O F A R: 23

add up and multiply by 3
then repost as: "my life is __percent worth lving"

3rd Aug:
Dear Book
I am winston smith.
I am winston Fucking smith.
I am Hannah Solomon. So says my passport.
Since when have official papers determined who i am? Since 28th January 1992.
You who were borin with the sun above your shoulders, you turn me on, you turn me on. Save your poison.I feel sick. Don't leave me here, i'm scared to die. X

If i am to be stuck with these people for the rest of my life, i might as well kill myself now. I might as well, but then again, i've never been one for practicalities, now, have i? No, i haven't. Maybe i should do something extreme while i have my youth. Maybe i should break the law. More. Fucking blow up an airport. Fucking crash the stock market. Fucking hijack a london bus and drive it into Harrods. Shock the fucking world with a 15yr old girl white killing the upperclass fuckers. Imagine that. FUCKING IMAGINE IT. Hell it'd be great. I'd be noticed. Maybe a columbine style massacre. Fuckit. I don't care what i have to do. Maybe i'll become an alcoholic or a junkie. I don't know.Terrorism looks like more fun. Everone in the country would know my name. Hannah solomon. 15. Terrorist. Suicide bomber. Theist. Yeah. That'd be great. and I'd be dead and everyone'd be happy. Except those who died without reason. Y'know, i was going to throw myself off a mutistorey car park on tuesday. I actually congradulated myself on not doing it. in my head, i actually said Well done.I'm a fucking lunatic. Hahaha. Who'd have thought it, eh? I'm a bloody psychopath. A sociopath. Paranoid fucking superstitious weirdo. And y'know, my family doesn't like me. At the moment at least. Screw them. Y'know their problem is the DON'T GET IT. They don't understand what's going on in my head. I don't think they even care anymore. I'm not a part of their family. I'm WINSTON SMITH. I'm not fooled by the world. I may not show it, but i know EXACTLY what is going on, and one day they'll find out and try to intervene. They don't know that i won't let them indoctranate me. Fucking torture me. Let rip. Electrocute the life out of me, but i'll never believe what they say. But in the end, no matter how much i with that that'd be true, i'd end up just like everyone. Drinking my life away on Victory Gin.O'brien and Mr Charingdon are in the thought police. O'brien will make me wish i were DEAD.Charingdon will pretent to be a prole. Just an old idiot. But he's much smarter than that. There's a telescreen in the room. I'll get caught. Julia will betray me. the future is nothing. you can change the past. You can't change the future. You can try, but what happens is already decided.
I think i might be depressed.
I think i might die frustrated and sad and it fucking WON'T be beautiful. It won't be a graceful transition from life to death, it'll be falling from a building. Drowning. Burning. Anything. I might even grow old and have to sit around on a comfy chair waiting to die. We're all just sitting around waiting to die, really.

4th Aug
Feeling alright at the moment. Apparantly i was talking in my sleep last night. Mum said that i said "i'm going to kill you" I'm not entirely sure that i was actually asleep. I'm a little bit understimulated. Always bored. Always thinking. Thinking makes me unhappy. Over anaylising every situation. Imagining what might happen. Last night when i was thinking about death, it finally sunk in that i won't be around forever. I will die one day. And it gave me a rush. I'm not sure if it was fear or excitement. Maybe i'll die young. I'll never have to wory about getting a job or kids or marrying or anything like that. That'll be the day. I hope it's on the news. I hope it shocks the nation.
I am withnail. i am winston. I am everything. I am nothing.
went to a Miffy exhibition. Bought some badges. it was great. Went to Troon in the afternoon. We played "Crazy Golf". Made friends with Reece and Christopher. They were playing "Crazy Golf" too. We were all quite shitty at it. Brittany was better than me, but only slightly. No one understand. No one knows my plans. Why the dancing, shouting, why the shreiks of pain, why the lonely music, why the smell of burning autumn leaves. No one understands. No one knows my plans.
Apparantly, Christopher, the 12yr old called me sexy. Vaguely flattered. Mainly a bit unhappy that only some stupid 12yr old who plays "Crazy Golf" finds me sexy.
Sad sad sad sad. Why must i be sad? Went to cathlene's party. Me and Andrew had some alcohol. Not even lots, just one bottle of strongbow and a can of carlsberg. Carlsberg is rank. not very tasty. Now i'm tired. Might try to get some sleep soon. Mum is annoying me lots. She's such a fucking pain in the neck. Night x

5th Aug
It's only that my frown is upside down. Its upside down. No hangover, seeing as i had very little alchohol in the first place. I don't like very sad sack. i am withered hope. Saaad Saaack. I am sad sack. Down down down down. Waiting on Sketchy. Mr Sketchy Galore. Words in songs always have relavance. and that is what makes them so popular. Or maybe that's not true. Cigarettes and Chocolate milk. These are just a couple of my cravings. Everything it seems i like's a little bit stronger, a little bit thicker, a little bit harmful for me. I want to fall into a song. i want to not be a cliché. I want to be the perfecton that i dream of.
I saw a crow. it was beautiful and raggedy and scary. I need to stop seeing "signs" in things. That crow was not my soul. That crow was not my guardian. It was a crow. It was no more than a crow. It had its own soul. It is not a part of me. And now it is just a memory of mine. It might be dead by now. or it could be anywhere. I don't know. Look how long i got this idiot to talk about a crow. It was beautiful though. It was a terrifying spectacle of beauty. Such a criminal animal. A beautiful bird of death.I think that i should have a pet. I would like a dog. An Afghan Hound. A beautiful tall Dougal. I want something to look after. I want to smother it with my affections. I want something to love. I'm still far from happy. This is a lovely Book. If i am half the Death Eater that i should be, I will make it into a horcrux. I could be a great star, Still i'm far from happy. Have a nice day x.

Ok i'm back. I'm back. I'm back. I'm a fucking idiot. I hate being me. I know i'm an idiot. and some people are idiots to me. Tom and Jerry is NOT comedy gold. I'm tired. I remind myself of Jessica Argus. I remind myself of a fictional character from a webtoon that only the nerds and i watch. They Might Be Giants are bliss. Their songs are bliss. Withered Hope, i'm in love with you, want to live with you. Sad sack. I like this paper. It's interesting to write on. The pages are nice. I like the paterns. It's nice. Like a picture frame. Magic. Imagine if the manufacturers of this book could somehow find out what people are writing in it. They, if they were to find anything suspicious, could inform the police or MI5 or someone exciting like that. I was thinking earlier that i would like to become a police person or a superhero like Batman. not superman because he's crap.